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My wife has recently turned 30 and we have one child together who is three years old now and I am 33 with a successful job and a decent amount of social friends.


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Recently a well known Christian blogger, Rachel Held Evans, offered some thoughts on concepts of biblical womanhood and beauty, responding in part to comments from Mark Driscoll and to books by Martha Peace and Dorothy Patterson.

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My age 22
Nationality: Italian
My body type: My figure type is quite chubby
What I prefer to drink: Lager
Other hobbies: Doing puzzles
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Tom jones. my wife let herself go.

The answer to this dilemma is maybe not what you would expect! This is a common enough challenge. Research generally shows that there is a link between how attractive you perceive your spouse to be and how satisfied you are with the marriage [i].

This effect is generally much more pronounced for men than for women. Probably because we are socialized that way. What happens as couples get older? Here are three studies that looked into this issue: Meltzer et al [ii] in found that for the first 4 years of marriage, physical attractiveness of your spouse was a strong predictor of marital satisfaction for men, and a less important predictor for women.

The physical attractiveness of their wife was still an important predictor of satisfaction for men but the reverse was not true for women in this age group. So attractiveness does remain important on some level throughout marriagenormally moreso for the guys, but not always.

8. she's let herself go

Couples normally rate themselves as being equal in terms of attractiveness at all stages of life [v]. This means that a young couple might both decide they are not supermodels or anything but they are both a solid 7 out of Maybe 20 years later they give themselves a 5. Maybe in their golden years a 2 or 3 — but generally in a couple each spouse will give themselves an equal score to their spouse. The reason declines in physical attractiveness tend not to impact marital quality is that attraction is based on much more than physical appearance.

Attraction to your spouse is partly physical but is also strongly determined by the levels of intimacy in your marriage, the emotional connection between you, the quality of time spent together, your attentiveness to one another, the level of support your spouse offers, your self esteem, the frequency of sex and other relationship factors [vii]. In other words, attraction is a multi-dimensional experience.

This makes sense, of course, although I think the truth of this is obscured in a pornified culture.

Is it wrong for a wife to "let herself go" after marriage? – christ, freedom, and the law of beauty

In a pornified culture you are led to believe that the most attractive person offers the best sexual experience. In reality, a lifetime of developing all these beautiful facets of marriage emotional, spiritual, relational are what culminate in the best sexual experience. That is a lovely concept and a true one that we should all strive for. But the flip side is also true: that if you are less attracted to your partner, while you may have fixated on their physical appearance, it is much more likely that the overall marital quality is just not there.

In other words, you are frustrated with your spouse, or resentful, or disappointed, or upset.

Dear coleen: my wife has let herself go and makes no effort

And consequently, you are not sexually attracted. When you run into this issue of feeling like you are no longer attracted, it is probably high time that you focused on restoring the quality of your marriage by dealing with the underlying emotional, relational and spiritual problems — rather than just buying your spouse a gym membership.

I think I can illustrate this reality rather crudely.

Imagine you were single for a moment and you had the opportunity to marry the most beautiful woman in the world. Entitled, stuck up, selfish, self-centred, self-absorbed. Same thing: not worth it, or to put a finer point on it, the whole package is definitely not attractive.

It is highly unlikely this it is only about their change in physical appearance. And you need to heal from that messaging. This is not hocus-pocus but is based on a research study that looked at how believers can use Biblical statements about our bodies to restore healthy, loving self-image. As we noted in episode 88 of our podcast, this is one essential element of improved sexual functioning. Our society has a very narrow view of attractiveness.

My wife has let herself go

To be considered beautiful a person must be youthful, slim, fashionable etc. When a person reaches a certain age they may feel that they cannot live up to this standard of beauty anymore. And when they stop trying to look good and stop taking care of themselves physically, their spouse is likely to notice this and actually find them less physically attractive as well. So thinking yourself unattractive becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy [viii].

Maybe you can recognize this kind of effect in your own situation.

When your spouse has let him/herself go and you are not attracted

When a person believes they are attractive, this causes him or her to put more effort in to appearances, act more confidently, and have higher self-esteem. This has the effect of causing other people to see them as more attractive. The belief about attractiveness is the catalyst here.

This means that if you can discover ways to increase the romance, passion and attraction between you and your spouse through working on issues like intimacy, attentiveness, support, sex and so on then you can help your spouse feel more attractive. This in turn will cause them to act in ways that make them feel more attractive.

The cool thing here is that you can actually be part of starting a positive cycle by investing your marriage overall. Really, in this approach, the physical attractiveness becomes a secondary gain. Smart hey?

Wife is letting herself go.

Meltzer et al. Peterson and C. Podcast: Play in new window Download Duration: — Does Physical Attractiveness Affect Marriage? That comes as a bit of a surprise, right? Get the Guide! Related Posts.