I am not physically attracted to my wife.
Her physical appearance has always been an issue and it only gets worse. She has put on a considerable amount of weight. This is very unattractive to me. Instead, there's this gnawing silence and growing indifference to sex.
My wife has become too fat for me
But that's not true. In many ways — children, finances, practical things — we communicate well.
But this is a wall between us and an increasing source of emotional distress, anguish, loss of intimacy and hormonal hell. What do you suggest?
A man candidly shares his feelings about his wife’s weight gain and asks for advice
I get this question often from both men and women: What should they do when their spouse has grown heavier and is no longer physically appealing? First of all, if you are not especially attracted to your partner from the beginning, as you mentioned, this will not likely change. You should have considered from the start whether this is the right spouse for you, keeping in mind that physical attraction does matter. Over time, people rarely get thinner or better-looking. You haven't really done your wife any favors.
Healthy couples often become more attractive to each other over time because of their fond feelings and shared history. Plenty of couples continue to have wonderful sex lives despite growing plump and even obese although obesity should still be avoided, since it can cause health problems. Your turned-off feelings likely have to do with a lot more than weight.
I suspect there are other issues that are harder to pinpoint: You are angry at your wife, you feel awkward being honest with her, you have let your lives become dominated by workday things, you have trouble communicating.
Sure, your wife might be less attractive to you in the physical sense. Now, you fear saying anything and she feels you are pulling away, so you are wary around each other, setting off a vicious circle of avoidance and annoyance.
I think you should figure out what the real problem in your marriage is — in other words, confront the emotional issues. Explore why she has put on the weight, what food is replacing for her emotionally and why she isn't tuned in to or sympathetic to how this is making you feel. Be supportive of your wife rather than critical or distant.
There is little downside to broaching the subject directly rather than hinting around. Start not by talking about her weight but about your marriage, your feelings, your sex life.
Then ask how she feels her weight affects those important things. If she wants to lose weight, work on that with her. You can exercise and cook healthy meals together. Do things other than eat.
Be her teammate in solving this problem because plenty of studies have shown that a partner can easily keep their spouse from losing weight, consciously or unconsciously. Some women will keep weight on in an attempt to avoid having sex in the first place.
If this is the case, then the solution must go toward the sexual problem first, because the weight is simply the symptom. It is now available in a paperback version. For more information, you can visit her Web site, www. IE 11 is not supported.
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